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One of the parenting practices that really makes my toes curl is the habit many parents fall prey to of giving into thier children if they whine too much! Sadly it inevitably becomes "No...No...No.. Oh for Gods sake your drive me mad, .....you're a pain in the arse....Oh have it then, if it will just shut you up!" Even if the words aren't there, the feelings are, and they are so negative. The child is getting a whole host of unhelpful messages;
Don't be a donkey!
1) that if they whine their parent will give in.
2) that their parents can't cope with them.
3) that they are bad children.
4) that they (the children) are in control.
5) that their parents don't like them.
I think parents who habitually fall into this pattern are really, really making a rod for their own backs and it makes me sad because ultimately it will damage the parent child relationship. No child is going to try and behave well for a parent when the verbal and non verbal messages they are getting are telling them that their parents don't like them anyway. Sadly I think the cross things we say to our children have more of an impact (unless we work extremely hard at apologising and explaining) than the loving things we say.
"No, NO ...Oh O.K. then" starts off with something as simple as jerking a toddler off the ground because she won't let go of your knees. Or the excrutiating "Eat two spoonfuls of dinner more for mummy .....O.K. then one spoonful...... Oh sod it, have pudding then!" This sort of desperate, driven mad parenting will leave you feeling exhausted and your children feeling monsterous and unloved. It is for this reason alone that I advocate a strict discipline regime. When your children behave properly you do not tell them that they drive you mad, you do not give them the evil eye and you rarely feel the need to escape from them!
Obviously I advocate saying yes as often as possible. For instance, only stock foods that you're happy for your children to eat. I really feel that children below the age of 5 shouldn't have anything sweet or puddingy at all, not because puddings are so bad for them but because at an age when they don't eat much they need optimum nutrition from what they do eat.
Of course if you say "No........No........Oh really? Well that puts a different angle on it, let me think about it.........Yeah O.K. then, and I'm sorry I was too quick to say no!" then you're not getting exasperated and your children have the triple blessing of being listened to, apologised to and loved.
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"Perserverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after the other." Anon
"Let me tell you the secret that has led me to my goal. My strength lies soley in my tenacity." Louis Pasteur
"If you find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere."
"The giving of love is an education in itself." Eleanor Roosevelt
"Not everything that is faced can be changed. But nothing can be changed until it is faced." James Baldwin
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