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Reading
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If ever any of the family are feeling irritated I advise them to wait for the feeling to pass so that they can think clearly about what the issues are. Certainly any anger or irritation I feel with Cliff will generally dissappear if I leave it alone. Even if the feeling of irritation doesn't dissappear it is still a good idea to make a decision to talk about the problem in a few hours rather than plunging into the attack. This will give your emotions a chance to settle and make a row far less likely. Some of my proudest words are the ones I've left unspoken!
Sometimes my feelings of upset or anger can be from another source, but directed towards my loved ones as a way of discharge; shouting at yourself or your dead mother isn't half as satisfying as a good row with your family when you're in the mood! But we are not living in a soap opera where all the characters are adrenaline junkies unable to get through the day without some crisis or vicious row. In real life anger and rows are painful, frightening and totally pointless. Next time you feel angry with someone wait for the feeling to subside and then discuss it holding hands! ( I'm not quite grown up enough for this yet but I'm sure it's good advice!).
When my children have complaints about each other, I generally say "If this is still a problem tomorrow we will have a family meeting to discuss it". That way the real issues have time to surface (or dissipate) and you can avoid being caught up in the maelstrom of negative emotions.
Offer comfort but not resolution. Also, for some reason, my children like to avoid family meetings like the plague and so tend to quickly sort out their differences!
I think it is important not to become a mediator in your children's conflicts. Avoid acting as judge and jury and shooting from the hip with judgements in favour of one child or the other. What is good about saying "lets talk about this tomorrow" is that;
1) It gives the children time to sort themselves out.
2) It gives them time to calm down.
3) It gives you time to think about any background issues that may be contributing to the problems.
4) It demonstrates that you are taking your children's problems seriously without ploughing in to a heated arguement.
With younger children who come to you complaining that so and so has broken their toy or kicked them I think it is more reasonable to intervene, get to the root of the matter and if necessary dish out a suitable consequence for miscreants.
You have to be careful that rows are not a negative way of getting your attention. If your children are regularly having squabbles that need some intervention, take it as an indication that they need more attention. Play a game with them or read them a book. They probably just need a little quality time with mum or dad. This is not rewarding bad behaviour. It's paying attention to your children's needs and responding to them.
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"Grow angry slowly there is plenty of time." Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Drawing on my fine command of language I said nothing." Robert Benchley
"Some of my proudest words are the ones I haven't spoken" (or something similar, I can't remember!)
"We are not creatures of circumstance, we are creators of circumstance." Benjamin Disraeli (1804 - 1881)
"The growth of wisdom may be guaged exactly by the diminution of ill temper" Fredrich Neitzsche (1844 - 1900)
"The man who can't dance thinks the band is no good." Polish Proverb
"There is no duty we so much underestimate as the duty of being happy. Being happy we sow anonymous benefits upon the world" Robert Louis Stevenson (1850 - 1894)
"A happy family is but an earlier heaven." John Bowring
"Oh to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when he was small, and only half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am!" Rebecca Richards
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