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As a parent it is vitally important that you deal with difficult behaviour appropriately. If you allow antisocial behaviour to continue unchecked it is inevitable that you will become irritated with your children. You may shout or say unpleasant things, but even if you don't your children will know very well that you are annoyed with them. This is detrimental to their self esteem and to their relationship with you. Children need you to love them all the time, good discipline helps them to always be lovable.
"Holly! Stay in your box!"
Firstly though, whenever you want a child to stop/start doing something, ask yourself "why?" My sons have bounced several secondhand settees to death (at 7 and 10 they are beginning to be a bit less excitable see imagination), our walls are covered in kid's pictures and the odd scribble (it's easy to paint over honest), and the boys' bedroom tends to be a no go area! But I Love It!
I always try to remember that my relationship with my children is more important than a second hand settee or fancy paintwork. In our natural state we had no possessions, and nothing that children could wreck. It is the innate nature of a child to be curious and explore. Try to recreate the cave mentality and remember relationships are more important than possessions. Keep ornaments, T.V.'s and hi fi's well out of the reach of young children. Never expect a toddler to "LEAVE THE TV ALONE!" it's just not fair as it sees bigger kids and adults fiddling with it all the time. Obviously as your children get older and possess items that they value, it is reasonable to expect them to respect some of your's e.g. dad's tools.
Whenever your child's behaviour is undesirable ask yourself why that could be? Is it just a child letting off steam or if it is attention seeking, naughty behaviour or do they need more attention? Very often a cuddle and a book or board game will evaporate difficult behaviour. As much as possible avoid seeing your child as difficult or naughty. The message behind any punishment or "telling off" or lecture is that, "your behaviour is not good enough" and NOT "you are not good enough." This in not a message we want our children to hear very often. If children feel that they are naughty they will be impelled to live up to that label, don't give them the opportunity.
Having said all that, there are bound to be times when a certain behaviour is unacceptable. Violence for instance is rarely O.K. Also in the society we live in there will be times when visitors might be shocked by your child's excitable behaviour (I personally don't think it is healthy for children to be subjected to intense negative scrutiny and that's why I don't let them grow dreadlocks). So whilst it is fine for your children to have a free rein most of the time, it is also important to be able to rein them in occasionally.
For these occasions some behaviour modification may be required. Before you embark on any disipline regime it is important to discuss what you plan to do with your child (at a family meeting), if they can think of their own simple punishment all the better. My children tend to be really heavy handed with themselves; "No I don't think digging your own grave is an appropriate punishment for hanging onto Ceili's boyfriend's legs!"
If a certain behaviour (like criticising) is declared punishable at a family meeting (and it once was at our house) then obviously eveybody is subject to that decision, and I'm sorry to say that until my behaviour improved (and it still isn't great) I got serious dishpan hands. Thinking about it, maybe we could discuss reimplementing that rule at the next family meeting, I could do with a little help not to be critical!
Many people are reluctant to punish their children. A lot of loving parents have a tendancy "just" to tell children off for misdemeanours.
Then if the behaviour doesn't stop parents will continue to tell their children off more and more vigorously, feeling more and more aggravated. These parents don't want to punish their children they just want them to stop throwing wetty bombs or jumping on the settee. After maybe the 5th lapse of behaviour the now furious parent will yell at the child and impose a massive punishment way out of context of the original behaviour. These parents feel angry not just at what the children have done but at the fact that they've been ignored. I don't know why it is that children respond better to punishments than to tellings off but they do and not only that, they would far rather be punished than told off.
I do know why parents would rather avoid punishments. It's because;
1) they don't want to behave in a heavy handed way,
2) because it takes effort to devise and supervise punishments.
But believe me, if you go about it in the right way and are fair and consistant then your child's behaviour will become impeccable and punishments extremely rare. It is worth the effort.
Once you have decided on the appropriate punishment for your child's misdeameanors then stick to it, whilst it is age appropriate.
Punishments we have used in our house include; leaving the room (children over 18 months for a max of 1 minute), collecting horse poo for the garden, washing up, going for a walk, weeding, hanging up washing. At the moment the standard punishment for the boys is emptying the compost bucket. This is all the discipline that my children need.
The key to any discipline is not to raise your voice, and to make it clear that the punishment is solely employed as a means to help your child remember not to commit the offence again (a bit like a swear box). You can sympathise with your child that they are having to do the punishment, but emphasise that it is vital that they are not let off because, if they are, the next time they will try harder (cry harder) to get out of it and that will be even worse for them. Make sure they know why they're being punished.
I think it is reasonable to ask a child to do or not to do something once, then warn them once that they will have a consequence if they have not complied, and then punish them if they fail to comply again. YOU MUST BE CONSISTANT. Remember the punishments must be easy. When children get tearful it is because they do not like to have your will imposed on them (who would?) which is another reason to be careful when you employ punishments.
Although I say that it is important to be consistant it is also important to back down if you realise you're wrong. Explain then to your child that the punishment will not be implemented for whatever reason, and not let your child think that he/she has got away with it just because they've complained. You can also reduce the punishment if your child has accepted their mistake and taken the consequence "on the chin". If your child refuses to comply or gets really upset, talk to them, hold a family meeting. But if you are still sure of your original decision, don't let them off the punishment, postpone it till the child feels better, but they will not be allowed treats in the meantime (T.V., Play Station, stories read, swimming, friends to play etc.).
If your children are not used to consistant discipline they will initially test the boundaries and try to wear you down. It is important to remain calm and consistant. Remind your child that you believe the punishments are for their own good and that you are only implementing the punishments because you love your child. Speak to your child lovingly, comfort them if they are distressed, do not raise your voice or make the punishment harder. Do it with love.
The last thing you want is to be constantly punishing your child, so if their are a number of issues that need to be dealt with just choose one problem behaviour to tackle (eg tormenting / hitting little sister see correcting behaviour) and concentrate on modifying this behaviour before trying to correct any others.
Disciplining children well also requires discipline from the parents and this is a powerful learning curve.
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"Setting an example is not the main means of influencing another, it is the only means." Albert Einstein
"I have had more trouble with myself than any other man I have ever met!" Dwight Moody
"Self discipline is when your conscience tells you to do something and you don't talk back!" W. K. Hope
"The word NO carries a lot more meaning when spoken by a parent who also knows how to say yes." Joyce Maynard
"Children are innocent and love justice, while most adults are wicked and prefer mercy." G. K. Chesterton
"Children have never been good at listening to their elders, but they never fail to imitate them." James Baldwin
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