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Who needs friends?
One of the loudest refrains from critics of homeschooling is "what about socialisation?"
Well what about it? Lets examine the socialisation Mecca that so many parents pay homage to. Generally school children form alliances based on their playground pecking order. These friendships, whilst no bad thing in themselves, are normally based on need rather than desire. Holly erratically attended a local school for a year before dropping out completely at 11, she found friendships very tricky because the other kids weren't interested in a part time friend. A friend is someone who always stands next to you in the playground.
Many adults have continued this theme throughout their lives, few people strive to forge intimate and honest friendships. Most adults have pseudo friendships based on shared interests; drinking or dope smoking partners, work associates or mothers with similar aged children, etc. People you can pass the time of day with, without being challenged. It is normal to collude with friends, and pretend you agree with them when you don't (see manners and peer group pressure).
A lot of friendships have an element of co-addiction to them. There is safety in numbers and someone who changes their behaviour may find themselves becoming unpopular amongst their peers. People who aren't managing their lives well prefer to spend time with others who are in a similar position. No one dislikes a successful dieter more than someone who "can't" lose weight!
When I gave up smoking dope one of my main anxieties was that I no longer fitted in with my friends. Their behaviour that I had previously managed to turn a blind eye to (with the help of my trusty spliff) now made my social encounters unpleasant. My ex co-addicts and I eyed each other with mistrust. I knew from numerous previous experiences (from both sides of the coin) how pleased they'd be if my resolve wavered! Not strong enough to challenge my peer's attitudes I, none-the-less, felt ashamed of my collusion with them, whilst they played the victim in some second rate melodrama.
When a counsellor I was seeing suggested that I should have a rest from friends it was a delicious relief. For a number of years I went without forming close friendships and whilst occasionally I missed having someone outside the family to moan to, in the main it helped me to create better relationships within the family. Eventually I became healthy enough to find friends that I could be honest with and now enjoy having relationships that are challenging and supporting rather than colluding.
I now believe that real friendships are made between people who have a great deal of respect for each other. Friends are people who enjoy each others company and share similar goals. They are able to support and admire you, but also, importantly, able to challenge you if they feel you are wrong about something (see contact list). Real friends do not collude or stay quiet in order not to offend each other. I'm not saying that my friends and I regularly criticise each other. We are not doing an inventory on each other's behaviour but if something makes us feel uncomfortable we say so (nicely!).
Many "friendships" in my opinion may offer support for your current situation in a "life's a bitch" way rather than a "what are we going to do about it" way. Some friendships can keep you stuck.
Throughout Ceili and Holly's teen years their only (outside the family) socialisation was attending a drama group once a week. But when they went to college they both thrived socially, and both were voted to be student reps by their peers. It would appear then, that their limited socialisation was not a handicap to their ability to be well liked. They have an extremely close relationship with each other. (When they were 16 and 14, during a group discussion at drama they both said that the other was their best friend). Although they enjoy being popular, neither feels the need for a large circle of friends or boyfriends in order to bolster their self esteem.
Joel and Max also consider the other their best friend. Maybe we were lucky to have two girls and then two boys but Cliff and I also take credit for having managed our children well. When they were young we made a lot of effort to encourage them to play together and now we work to make sure that all our children feel equally loved, get lots of attention, and are not prey to petty jealousies. If there are any irritations we hold a family meeting to sort them out.
The boys go to cubs and see a homeschooled friend every week. The girls bring friends and boyfriends home, we provide respite care for children, have friends to dinner and relatives visit. But if we have a week where nothing is happening and no one is coming, it's a bit of a treat actually. There is a homeschooling group locally and we could run the boys over to that. Maybe we will when they get a bit older but at the momment they're doing well, they're happy and so are we. If it ain't broke don't fix it!
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"I don't want everyone to like me; I should think less of myself if some people did." Henry James
"Don't make friends who are comfortable to be with. Make friends who will force you to lever yourself up." Thomas J Watson
"Be slow in choosing a friend, slower in changing." Benjamin Franklin
"True friendship is a plant of slow growth." George Washington
"Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty." Sicilian Proverb
"An enemy who tells the truth contributes infinately more to our improvement, than a friend who deludes us." Louis N. Fortis
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