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Lord and Lady Muck
How often do you hear a parent say to a child "please say please" instead of just "say please"? What an irony it is that parents generally imperiously and rudely order their children to be polite. Most manners are not so much about being courteous as following an expected protocol. More rules for children to follow in order to be good!
I remember reading once (I'm afraid I can't remember where) that instead of ordering our children to say please and thank you we should allow them to imitate their role models in thier own sweet time. This made sense to me and by and large I have tried to stick to it. I have tried to ignore the bewildered and shocked vibes that shop keepers, relatives and neighbours send me after they have given my little sweetums something. Not only have my children failed to respond with the obsequious thanks, but I have plainly failed in my duty as a mother by not prompting them! I admit that as my boys got beyond 6 or 7 there were occasions when I could no longer contain myself and the power of other peoples expectations was enough for me to hiss "say thankyou!" Also ultimately I am grateful that they have now begun to use more manners, but they are so genuine in their pleases and thankyou's that I think it was worth the wait.
But isn't it strange that of all the ways that I've stood on the edge of society this in some ways has been the most embaressing. It is frightening how much other people's expectations of us rule our lives. I think most mothers say "say please" or "say thankyou" to their toddlers more than anything else. It's not unusual for the most wayward and difficult child to have perfect manners.
I know that some adults find our younger sons somewhat disconcerting, just as people used to find our daughters disconcerting. They are not properly schooled in the complicated discipline of how society thinks children ought to relate to adults. If an adult tries to interview them they will find them difficult subjects, they have not had the practice most children have. In some ways they may appear immature for their age, they have no idea what they want to be when they grow up and even worse they will display their boredom rather than pretend interest and engage in a dull conversation. They are slow to leave behind their childhood and engage in adult duplicity.
I am confident that as they get older they will learn enough manners to be able to display social wiles, but I also hope that they will continue to be honest about their feelings and not become “yes” people. Adult games of pretend are so disheartening compared to children’s games. A well mannered child or adult will keep smiling and asking polite questions in the most boring company. I do not begrudge my children the ill manners (honesty) to say “I’m outa here!”
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"Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness you have good manners no matter which fork you use."
"The truly free man is he who knows how to declin a dinner invitation without giving an excuse." Jules Renard
"If a child lives with approval he learns to like himself." Dorothy Nolte
"Nothing prevents us from being natural so much as the desire to appear so." Francois Rochefoucald
"Few Parents nowadays pay any respect to what their children say to them. The old fashioned respect for the young is fast dying out." Oscar Wilde
"Pretty much all the honest truth telling there is in the world is done by children."
Oliver Wendell Holmes
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