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I think that raising young children is one of the most intense forms of delayed gratification that there is. To do it well that is. I'm sure that in the early months of parenthood every mother dreams of a full night's sleep or days out without the baby. Instant gratification will demand these "little" pleasures but the price to your baby can be high and ultimately you will pay the price too.
A toddler who has had a relaxed and secure babyhood will be easy and content. I think that toddlers who are described as fractious or easily bored are usually children who did not have their needs met as babies. They have been left to cry, denied the breast or simply not had enough attention. They are insecure and worried. In this state of mind they need to be either distracted (usually by being entertained) or they go back to being worried and grizzling. Parents of "difficult" toddlers have their work cut out for them. Generally these attention hungry children "enjoy" running away, having tantrums and getting into danger. These babies will do whatever they have to, to get their parents on their feet and doing something for them. For attention hungry children, bad attention is better than no attention.
To be able to delay gratification is to be prepared to stay with your baby
until they are able to walk away from you. Keep them near you. Jean Liedloff in the "Continuum Concept" talks about staying with a stone age tribe who had babies that didn't cry. The mothers maintained close physical contact with their children throughout their babyhood, sleeping with them at night and holding them between their legs or carrying them in a sling while they worked. The babies were extremely placid, quick to learn, constantly cheerful and a joy to have around. I believe this account entirely, because I chose to adopt a similar routine with my youngest boys with very similar results. Once they got to the stage of crawling and walking they were always quite happy to stay close by and explored the world cheerfully and patiently, rarely getting frustrated with it and never wandering off.
Once when Joel was two I was in Mothercare with him and asked him to please climb back in the buggy. When he complied the shop assistant told me that she had never seen a young child respond to a mother like that before. I can only say that my son was used to his family responding to his needs and so he was happy to respond to mine.
When my older daughters were little I was a more conventional mother, perhaps worse than normal. I smacked Ceili when she was 13 months old for weeing on the floor! Her father used to insist that we would eat our meals in "peace" and so we would lock her in her cot and listen to her distant screams as an accompaniment to our meals. I do feel remorse when I look back at their early experiences and I can see an element of insecurity in my girls that my boys do not have. However I also feel gratitude and relief that although I made such a pig's ear of their early experiences, their subsequent life experiences and their own resilience have still enabled them to grow into such magnificent people. One of the most amazing gifts of life is that though we are shaped by our experiences we still retain the ability to change.
After toddlerhood I think that one of the most important things you can do for a child is to value them as children. To realise that childhood is a wonderful magic place and to bathe in your children's joy and enthusiasm for life.
Sadly however society appears to be hell bent on encouraging children to grow up quickly, almost as if it is embarressing to be a child. T.V. and comics are geared towards encouraging kids to be cool, wear the "right" clothes and pair up with the opposite sex. It is quite normal these days for 9 and 10 year olds to be adolescent, irritated with the limitations of childhood and yearning for the percieved freedom of adulthood.
But who wants to parent a pissed off teenager for 10 years? No thank you! I have encouraged my children to stay young and joined in with their childishness, after all they were having a much better time than me!
Calling somebody childish is an insult, but why? Being childish is not the same as being irresponsible. Healthy people are able to be silly and sensible, fun and serious. Too many children think that they must leave behind childish delights if they are to attain adulthood, but they will be less of a person if they do. In encouraging your children to stay young you are nurturing a delightful happy part of them. But this does not mean that they are unable to grow up as well.
My family can be sensible and get the chores done in the morning and then bounce on the trampoline and be silly in the afternoon. Children will always emulate their parents so it is important as a parent that you join in the silliness as much as possible. If you tell your children how wonderful it is so play but wont join in sometimes they will be disheartened. Actions speak louder than words. If you want your children to stay young you must prove that you really value their childishness. Be childish too, it is wonderful!
When my daughters finally hit adolescence, they were already old enough to enjoy adult freedoms and subsequently bypassed a lot of teenage angst. Ceili bused around N.Z. on her own for a month when she was 16. (I must admit I think Ceili is too tough for her own good. Early years damage?) She was capable of joining in with outrageous waterfights and silly games (just like her parents) but also had enough courage and determination to set off on a lone adventure organising her own very limited budget so that she could bungy jump and swim with dolphins!
Only after this adventure did she go out with a boyfriend, despite some dire predictions of her coming home pregnant!
My advice to parents is instead of encouraging your children to grow up why not try to reach down and indulge in the delights of childhood. It is highly likely that a person who has always been encouraged to be childish when appropriate will become a more effective adult than a child who has spent years playing the disheartening game of grownup!
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"The secret of genius is to carry the spirit of the child into old age, which means never losing your enthusiasm" Aldous Huxley (1894 - 1963)
"Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm" Ralph Waldo Emerson
"To show a child what once delighted you, to find the childs delight added to your own - this is happiness" J B Priestley
"No symphony orchestra ever played music like a two year old girl laughing with a puppy" Bern Williams
"You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing" Micheal Pritchard
"Children feel life. They smell it, roll in it, run with it, see it all around them. Feel the world through the eyes of a child" Anon
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